Wednesday, May 25, 2011

If there's a smile on my face...

it's only there trying to fool the public. 

A few of you have been asking about my dad...so here's where we are.

I've been feeling sad lately.  The rain hasn't been helping, either.  I went to the store to pick up some birthday cards and father's day cards.  This was the first time i cried in the dollar store.  What sort of father's day card is sufficient to tell my dad how much i love him and that i'm scared?  I'm scared.  What if we don't have any more father's days together?  My co worker's mother just passed away, and i found this perfectly worded, most sincere card for her.  Do you know there were many more sympathy cards to choose from for mothers and only one card for fathers?  Why is that? 

My father was supposed to start his third cycle of chemo.  Each cycle is 3 weeks on, 1 week off.  This was his first "on" since returning from vacation.  He lost 11 pounds since the last time they saw him, 3 weeks ago.  The latest scans show the cancer on the pancreas has not gotten any smaller, and the cancer on the liver have gotten larger.  This is not liver cancer, most liver cancer is not actually liver cancer, but like this it migrates there from somewhere else.  This is pancreatic cancer in the liver.  1 in 8 men have pancreatic cancer, and there are few treatments.  The doctors feel this chemo isn't working since the liver masses have gotten larger, and we will be reconvening with them today.  Hopefully he will get today's dose, for i don't know what it means if he doesn't.  I have a list of questions and hopefully there are other options to explore. 

I am not a praying person, but many of you are.  I am a wisher, a pleader, a hoper, even a beggar.  If you could pray or wish or plead or hope for us today, I'm sure we'd feel your supportive vibes.

19 comments:

Kerry said...

I've been thinking of your family. I'm sorry to hear about how things are now, but will continue to hope and wish and think only the best thoughts for your father and the rest of you!

I know it's a tough battle xx

Meg said...

I'll do all those things for you and your dad and your family. Thinking of you.

liz @ bon temps beignet said...

I pray, wish, plead, and hope for your dad to make a full recovery!

It is surprising that there aren't many sympathy cards for Dads. Maybe it's a sign that you should just write somthing from your heart. It would probably mean a lot more to him.

...off to pray for you and your family!

Annie said...

Love and peace and prayers for you and your family.

Meg Carter said...

Thinking of you and your family. I am a new follower, but still can feel your pain.

Lana said...

Hugs and prayers. I believe that every request is a prayer from the heart. Faith doesn't always have to have a name, but Hope is a good start.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Oh Sweet Girl, I can feel the pain and fear in your words. It is so scary what you are going through. I am gathering all my positive energy, good thoughts and prayers and sending them your way for your Dad, you and your family. Hugs, Linda

Jill said...

Thinking of you and yours. warmest wishes hugs and prayers coming your way!

Lisa said...

:::hugs:::
Thinking of you and your family

Kara said...

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your Dad. It's okay and completely normal to be scared...just make sure you don't forget to enjoy the time you do have with your Dad right now though too! I don't know how I'd cope if I were in your shoes...my Dad is one of my best friends, so I definitely get the father / daughter bond. I know that your Dad is still around, but a lot of these same ideas apply from this poem that my Dad posted on my blog when my grandfather passed away. I know it's hard, but try to be happy that he's still here...after you throw yourself a pity party! Hang in there!!

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” - David Harkins (except written as she instead of he)

Meghan said...

Hugs from London! Will be thinking of you and your family.

P.S Thanks for your comment on my guest post on Bruges! Your story about the bell tower was so sweet! You are so lucky to have been up there when they were ringing!

Jennifer said...

He's in my thoughs. Hoping the best for your dad and family love! Let's kick some cancer a$$! <3

xoXOxo
Jenn

【ツ】 ⒶⓃⓃⒺ 【ツ】 said...

Words are difficult at a time like this...because you want to carefully word them. Instead, I will send up another prayer for your father today!

Carmie of the Single Nester said...

Oh no! Girl, I will certainly pray for you and your dad! I hope all goes well. Reach out if you need anything!

Jenn said...

Praying, hoping and pleading. Much comfort, love and hope going out to you, your dad and your family. When you feel sad I hope you will remember I, and I am sure many others, am sending you many cyber hugs!

Sofia's Ideas said...

Darling, my family and I are all sending good and healing vibes in your direction...

Chandeen @ Designed by Chance said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is really hard and all you can do is try to treasure the time you have with him. Show him your love and let him be scared as well. Love him, hold his hand and remember as hard as it is for you, it is even harder for him.

When my father was sick I discovered that my love for him was unconditional. I was happy to do everything for him, most of the time. When it gets to be too much allow yourself to grieve as well. Remember that you are human and can have many conflicting feelings.

I will hope, pray and plead for you as well.

poindextr said...

oh goodness gracious. It's the first time I've stopped by, in response to your very sweet comment on my blog. And oh my. I'm just so awfully sorry that your dad and your whole family is going through this illness. Sending all the love and healthy wishes I can get to you through the power of prayer and the internet. ~hugs~ Diane @ home sweet homemade

Cindy @The Flipping Couple said...

I'm so sorry. I am a praying person, so I'll be praying for your dad - and for you as you walk through this with him. My mom-in-law is a cancer patient too, so I know what it's like just to deal with the medical side of things. I don't know what it's like for cancer to hit my dad. I don't even know what I'd do. Hugs, friend. And prayers are rising on your behalf.